The Villainess's Reputation [Kingdom Building]

317. Faldeus Arm-Lohai’s Reality

My full name is Faldeus Arm-Lohai, the firstborn to the Khan of the Arm-Lohai tribe in the Simbala Plains of the Western Continent. I was born with the Gilnto Apostle Mark, a brand that made me crave conflict just to feel a shred of enjoyment. For as long as I can remember, I bloodied the battlefields as soon as I was strong enough to lift a blade. It was a life that saw me shunned as a monster in my own tribe, a freak in my own home.Even as the firstborn son, no one expected or wanted me to succeed as the next Khan. A leader should be of sound mind, they said, not a beast addicted to the scent of iron and blood. I resented The God of War and Time Gilnto for placing such a curse upon me in the name of a "blessing." Was I effective on the battlefield? Certainly. But it came at the cost of every living soul being terrified of my violent tendencies.

Perhaps that was why I took such a liking to you, Little Raven. You reminded me of myself: a shell defined by an Apostle Mark forced upon you from the moment you drew your first breath rather than living as your person.

Then, I met her: my wife, Sania Drolin-zuq. She was the daughter of a rival Khan, sent to us as a tribute to seal a peace treaty. None of my siblings wanted a marriage born of politics and blood, so the responsibility was naturally pushed onto me, the unwanted child of the family.

One would imagine a trembling maiden arriving at my door, seeking an escape from the "monster." But the look in Sania's eyes the day we met was nothing like I imagined. It was as if the whole world could fall into ruin, yet she would not let her sense of self waver. Her resolve was so fierce it made me feel ashamed for letting my fate be defined by a ridiculous mark bestowed on me by the whim of a god.

For the next three years, Sania and I searched for loopholes to satisfy the triggers of the Apostle Mark. It is a useless endeavor to try and carve it out, as you tried to do in your childhood; it simply reappears elsewhere, for the mark is etched into the very fabric of your soul. We learned from stolen books from the Ancient Library of Rendal that it is nearly impossible even for the gods to retract a mark once it is given.

However, we were successful in finding a trick to partially satisfy my urge for battle. It was deceptively simple: playing games structured as tactical conflicts : Chess, Ascend to Celestia Castle, and the like. Though the relief was minor, it changed my life.

And if that wasn't miracle enough, the greatest one arrived soon after: my daughter, Asha Arm-Lohai.

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For her, I believed I needed to do everything in my power to ensure she felt loved in a way I never was. But my quest for her future spiraled out of control, fueled by my latent desire for battle. Day after day, we raided settlement after settlement, city after city, chasing every tribe, nation and everything in between in the Simbala Plains into submission. That was when I first met High Priest Caldus during one of his missionary travels. I eventually usurped my father and siblings to claim the title of Khan, but you know what?

She never wanted any of the fame, the glory, or the riches my conquests brought. All she ever wanted was for her old man to stay by her side, to show her that he cared and loved her.

Naturally, my tyranny birthed a rebellion from within. They came for my home while I was away, battling in some god-forsaken war. They killed Sania right in front of the child.

I remember that day as clearly as the shine of a crystal. I walked into the destroyed palace, the smell of copper and blood hanging heavy in the air, my heart beating so hard with an ominous feeling I thought it would explode. When I stepped into Sania’s chambers, the thick scent of rot filled my lungs. There I saw my little girl, Asha, just sitting in a corner, drawing quietly in her book.

When I called out to her, she didn't cry. She just whispered, “Father... shush... Mother is sleeping. She must have been very tired.”

Those words have never left my heart. The girl had closed off her mind to reality, retreating into a wonderful world of her own where peace actually existed. She wouldn't leave that room because her mother had asked her to hide there. She stayed beside the body for months before she finally lost her mind so completely she couldn't even form words anymore.

Once I gave them both proper funerals, I left everything behind and wandered aimlessly, too much of a coward to die and face them in the afterlife. That was when High Priest Caldus found me and brought me here to teach you.

I was originally meant to stay here for only a year before returning to the front lines, but that changed the moment I learned your secret. A Herptian Apostle of the Solarius lineage? Seeing the same torment I had endured repeating itself in a far-away land made it impossible for me to simply walk away.

That was when Emperor Andrew approached me with a favor. He wanted to ensure that you are ready to defend yourself by the time you come of age from any assination or attacks that come your way, knowing it would be nearly impossible to hide your status as Herptian’s Apostle forever. Though he was a man who could never openly show it, he did love you and your siblings in his own twisted, distant way.

But then, I began to see that look in your eyes, the same look I saw in Asha's everytime when I came back from War. I realized I couldn't bear to continue as your teacher. By then, you had mastered everything I had to offer, and I found myself staying far longer than necessary. For some reason, being around you made me feel like I could finally forgive myself... and I hated that. I didn't believe I deserved such peace.

I ran because I couldn't handle the light you were bringing back into my life. I’m sorry, Little Raven. I was and still am better at breaking things than mending them.